Jokes & stories

Jokes and stories

From time to time your webmaster gets sent jokes and stories by visitors to this web site. Now, your webmaster being a clean-living sort of person, and without any control over such matters, publishes them on this page without changing one word. If you have a joke or story that you'd like to see on this page, please email it to the webmaster. Provided it's not abusive, obscene, or illegal, it will probably appear on this page. And whatever you do, don't take this page too seriously! Started 21/03/06.

	Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President .....now this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking...?"
	Since the webmaster's plea for more jokes recently, one villager has taken him up on his challenge and submitted the following collection.
	There is far too much Christmas spirit around so its time to cause offence ..... to everyone The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
	A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Nicola, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Betty sits in it."
	I have just finished reading a book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN IN YOUR HOUSE". So this morning I stormed into the kitchen and went up to my wife and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry then bring my robe. Next you will massge my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair??? The wife replied, "the funeral director would be my first guess."
	Rabbit! A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
	JACK & JILL Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. So I told her 'of course they are too big. I wear the trousers in this family and always will!' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem" Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she could not possibly wear them. "Exactly!!" replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will, I don't want you to forget that!" Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack....."try these on" she said...., so he tried them on......, but they were too small . "I can't possibly get into your knickers!!" Jack said. "EXACTLY!!!" replied Jill....."and if you don't change your F CKING attitude you NEVER WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
	This is truly awful. Especially since it rings a lot of bells with the webmaster.
	An elderly man lay dying in his bed. As he looked back on his life and prepared to meet his maker he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Then, leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and crawled downstairs. Out of breath, he still managed to pull himself up against the door frame, where he stood gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for the intense pain he felt from his exertions, he would have been convinced he'd arrived in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked. If it wasn’t heaven then it was surely a final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, ensuring that he left this world a happy man. Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula. "Get lost," she said. "They're for the funeral."
	Sent in by the same villager as the last one. Where does she get them from?
	Letter from the Duke of Wellington [It would appear that the Iron Duke, by the time he reached Spain in August 1812, was growing weary of pen-pushers in London] Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or, perchance, 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington
	Sent in by a villager
	Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled." Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of Legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of Your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on Corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
	Sent in from a villager who is obviously bored!
	CAR-CROSSED LOVERS A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!' The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!' 'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. 'Your turn,' says the man. 'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

	NUN OTHER A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
	The next couple were sent in by a villager (November 2006) who is currently touring South America.
	Subject: The wife from hell! A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."
	And another A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks. "She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".
	One of our villagers obviously does not have enough to do. The following 9 jokes were all sent in by the same person on the same day!
	Redneck Logic In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
	The Camping Trip Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
	Bear Trouble There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
	Cross-Eyed Dog A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him". He picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man? "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
	Dating Service A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin
	How Do You Spell? Two very old English gentlemen were sitting at their club having tea and smoking their pipes, talking about their days in "Injah." Harry had been writing his memoirs and said to Cedric, "I say, old chap, do you spell it - 'whoomb'?" "No, no Cedric", said Harry, "you spell it 'woomoph'." Harry replied, "Can't possibly - how about 'whoumumb'?" Just about then, a waitress comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation and the correct spelling is 'womb'." Harry turned to Cedric and said, "Rubbish, how could she possibly know the sound of an elephant fart?"
	Guide Dog On a burning hot summer day, John and Dave went out and walked their dogs. They got very thirsty, but since they were in town, they couldn't take their dogs into the restaurants with them. They didn't want to leave their dogs out in the heat, so John came up with an idea. "Watch this, Dave." He put on his dark sunglasses, grabbed his dog's leash tightly and followed the dog into a restaurant and sat down without being accosted. All the waiters assumed he was blind and this was his guide dog, so they took his order without saying anything about the dog. Dave figured this is a great idea, so he put on his sunglasses and walked in with his dog and sat down next to John. The manager soon came over. "What do you think you're trying to pull? This guy is obviously blind, but you can't be. Do you think I'm some kind of idiot?" "Well, no sir," John said. "I really am blind. See my seeing-eye dog? He has to lead me around everywhere." "Oh, come on," the manager said. "No, really, he's my seeing-eye dog!" Dave protested. "A Chihuahua?" the waiter asked. Dave replied, "They gave me a chihuahua?"
	Einstein's Theory Of Cat Behavior LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn't Matter. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
	Software review of Girlfriend 4.0 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it has turned to be a resource hogger. It has taken all his memory space. Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law and Brother-In-Law. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0: A "Don't remind me again" button Minimize button Shutdown feature An install shield feature so that GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same I/O port and timeslice and created a critical system conflict. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in system directory. Another drawback in all versions of GirlFriend is that they are totally object oriented and only support hardware with gold plated contacts. * Bug Warning * Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
	A touching poem apparently by Sir Paul McCartney Sent in by a villager I lay upon a river bank my hands all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
	Psychopath Test Sent in by a villager Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right. A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below] Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you Think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list
	Venus and Mars Sent in by a local husband. I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said: "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.